Plain Advice

A True Story

Once upon a time, in a place not so far away, there was a man and a woman. They fell in love and got married, despite the fact that they grew up in different countries, with different languages, different foods, and many other differences. They had children. The children grew. When the oldest child turned 18, the woman said to her son, “go out into the world, son, and feel free to come back and visit anytime you want. I will always be here for you. You can always come home for a hot meal and to do your laundry”.

When the man heard the woman say this to their son, he was deeply offended. He would not talk to his wife, and looked at her as if she were the devil. After the wife poked and prodded him for days, trying to get him to talk to her, he finally told her of his feelings. The woman was shocked and stunned that her husband would see her loving statement to their son as abandonment, shunning and out casting. She was merely doing what had been done for generations before her! Sending their child into the world to become an independent adult! She herself left home at the age of 18 to go to college far, far away. She had never felt abandoned or shunned by her own parents.

It was not until the man and woman communicated heart to heart that they were able to see that the problem here was a difference in cultural values. The woman came from a culture that values independence and autonomy. The man came from a culture that values very close family relationships and interdependence. When this was discovered, the man and the woman were able to understand one another and compromise as to how they would approach the adulthood of their children. The end

………..of the story, that is! But the article goes on…

As illustrated in the story (which of course is based on an issue that has come up in our own family), cultural values can present challenges that are difficult to navigate and very emotionally charged.

Values and Relationships

In fact, when it comes to intercultural relationships, value differences may be the most challenging for couples to get through. Values can be loosely defined as learned, enduring, emotionally charged moral conceptualizations . In other words, the priorities we set and the choices we make are significantly based upon the values we hold (obtained from University of Idaho).

As children, we are taught values from our parents, and also from the larger culture surrounding us. By the time we are adults, these values are deep within us, guiding us in how we view the world, and how we choose to act. Our values fuel our perceptions of right and wrong, and therefore, what behaviors are acceptable and which ones are not.

In any marriage, value differences will be encountered, simply because no two people were raised exactly the same or are made of the same DNA. However, if you grew up in a similar culture to your partner, it is likely that your value system will be more similar to theirs.

If you are in an intercultural relationship, value differences will definitely challenge you at one time or another. There is no way to address all the possible roadblocks you can come up against when it comes to these issues. Following are some basic guidelines that I have found helpful.

1. Be Realistic

If you have read anything else on this site, you will know that I am all about finding solutions to problems… I am an optimist. But please keep this in mind: Although value differences can be worked through, don’t fool yourself into thinking that it is easy. Before getting into a long term relationship, you should take a really hard look at the values of your partner and weigh them against your own. If you find that there are major conflicts between your values, chances are you are going to have major struggles in this relationship. If you decide to continue, it is important for you to be conscious and aware of what you are taking on, and accept the challenges that come with it. If you are not willing to accept this, then you may be better off getting out of the relationship. When in doubt, follow your intuition .

2. Communicate

As illustrated in the story above, effective communication can help to resolve the value differences you encounter. This is true in any relationship, regardless of your cultural background. However, in a similar cultured union, you would be more likely to understand where your partner is coming from with little to no effort on some of these issues. With intercultural relationships, it is imperative that you communicate when value differences arise. To work through these differences, You must both be willing to discuss what it is that is triggering your feelings, and explore how you can deal with this in your relationship.

3. Find Common Ground

If you are already married or otherwise committed to somebody who has extremely different values than you, you already know how difficult it can be to deal with these differences. If you intend to continue in the relationship, it would be helpful for you to identify as many common values between you and your partner as possible. These will serve as the building blocks of your partnership. Try brain storming and looking for similarities. Sometimes they are hidden and will take some digging. But if you are in a relationship that is based on more than just physical attraction, there must be something you can find in common in the way of values. The key in this is to minimize differences and maximize similarities.

Ideally you have found someone who shares at least some of your fundamental values. In my relationship, my husband and I were both raised in Christian homes (him, in South America, and me, in North America). This one thing we had in common growing up means that we have many similarities in our value systems. It extends to our priorities in life, family, how we treat others, moral issues, etc. I do not think our relationship would be able to survive without this common ground.

4. Compromise, Compromise, Compromise

Compromising is important to most relationships, but especially so in the intercultural ones. Just to illustrate, in the story above, you learned about a value difference my husband and I have. He wants to keep the kids living at home as long as possible, and I am a proponent of getting them out into the world to live and enjoy life as adults. Although this is a difference, there are ways to compromise. First of all, Jorge’s value of interdependence and close family relationships is not in conflict to my fundamental values. I also value close family relationships (I just don’t see the adult children living with us as a necessary way of continuing those close relationships) Although it does take some mental adjustment on my part, I can accept and enjoy having the kids living at home until they get married (which is when, in Jorge’s culture, it is acceptable for them to finally move out) On the other hand, if our children do decide to move out of the house before they get married, it will take some mental adjustments for him to deal with that, but it is not in direct conflict to his fundamental values. After the kids leave, he will be able to adjust his thinking when he sees that not living together does not equate losing our identity as a family

The bottom line here is that people who are wiling to negotiate their beliefs will be successful together. This does not mean that you have to compromise your integrity, but you must be willing to identify what you are able to sacrifice and what things are very important to you. In other words, pick your battles!

5. Always Respect

Always respect your partner and seek to understand where he/she is coming from. Even if you can’t or don’t understand why they feel the way they do, make a choice to always show respect and kindness. Doing so goes a very long way in building bridges between the differences you have.

Conclusion

When it comes to intercultural relationships, value differences are often challenging for couples to work through. Some effective tools to help navigate these issues are being realistic, finding and building on common ground, compromising (again and again!), and always being kind and respectful toward the views of your partner.

Be sure to check back soon for Part 4 of this series: “Traditions”. And as always, thanks for stopping by!

 

 

 

 

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This entry was posted on Monday, July 9th, 2007 at 8:54 pm and is filed under Interracial and Intercultural, Marriage and Relationships. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.